sidelined

There is only one word by which we can described Australia’s overall performance so far in the Bejing Olympics. Disgraceful. Bloody disgraceful.

Not only are we slipping backwards since Athens, we have been overtaken by the bloody poms. People from a country where sporting success is a common as a cold beer. Already, the Brits have started to bag us about London 2012 when, based on current form, they may finally feel a sense of national sporting pride. Worse they will be able to gloat over us Aussie. An unforgivable situation.

But it is not that Australians have been silent. Great men, men of action, men who should be our leaders have made the call. Like Alan Thompson. Like Alan Coates.

Coates is right that athletes need to be paid generous salaries. I’d say start with $600,000 per year with third party options. That may mitigate against our best soccer and hockey players being poached by French rugby union.

But even that measure doesn’t go far enough. To be competitive once more here is a plan, that while some may say is radical, actually addresses the urgency of the situation.

Swimming

The best thing that has happened to Australian swimming is that Stephanie Rice has dumped that two time loser Eamon Sullivan. Imagine a child of theirs? It would have that genetic defect that caused Sullivan to fail and only get a silver medal. No, what we need to do is pay Michael Phelps big money to become an Aussie. And it is not about him racing for us in 2012. What we do is put him up in a big, Sydney Harbour homee and have him sow his golden oats with our golden girls of the pool. So when Steph finishes up her career, there will be one last lap she has to do. Just lie down and think of gold. We may not see much action till 2024 but by then, we should be up for all gold in the pool.

Equestrian Events

Again we did poorly. Some blame may be laid against the English and their biological warfare waged via equine influenza. But we are not doing enough with a great natural resources. Australia may be an urbanized nation but we have vast areas of countryside perfect for riding horse. Given housing is cheaper in the country, we ship families to these areas. Then, when the kiddies are old enough (around 4 years old) they start riding. Mainly to school. Along the way they do a bit of dressage and some eventing. By they time they are teenagers, they will be ready. My father rode a horse to school and he reckons the country went down hill after they introduced buses. Bejing just proves his point.

Shooting

Relax gun laws, put traps in most parks and on top of public buildings. People can take their shotty on a sunday stroll and shout “Pull!” at will and have a shot. We’ll have world champions in no time.

Cycling

Now not all families will move to the country to take up horse riding. For those left in the smoke, their kiddies will have to ride to school each day. For the kids that live far away from school, they will be our endurance riders. Those close to school will be the sprinters.

Athletics

Easy. Jamaica doesn’t have much of an army. The airforce is a couple of helicopters and a Cessna. We invade and then annexe it under the Greater Australian Olympic Co-Prosperity Sphere.

General Measures

Divert government funding away from wasteful measures such as hospitals (unless they have a sports medicine wing), schools (unless they are sporting schools) and public transport (as everyone will be cycling, swimming or running to their destinations).

Funding to any sports that are not Olympic sports will be cancelled and athletes redirected into useful pursuits. It is expected that this will lead to a push for both cricket and rugby league to be included as Olympic sports. The poms can’t touch us in those sports.

But above all, we need real leadership at the helm of the nation. To facilitate that, Australia once and for all should acknowledge the Australian cricket captain as our head of state.

These are difficult times for our once proud nation. It is time we stood up and not squander our natural right to be the greatest sporting nation in the world!*

* Based on GDP divided by population and then multiplied by the sqaure root of the number of large native marsupial species that use hopping as a means of locomotion.