sidelined

“Meet Mark. A tall, dark, handsome Australian tennis pro. He has everything. Everything, except …

… a world ranking ever to be in double figures again. No, sorry. Wait. Everything, except someone to share it with.”

And so, sort of, begins Age of Love the dating reality show starring Our Poo which has just debuted on NBC in Seppoville. I’m here to tell you, it’s just as craptacular as you imagined. And, even better, I’m going to show you.

Over the fold, please join me on a journey. It will not be for the faint hearted, the high brow or the overly committed to feminist principles. That journey is, liveblogging Age of Love!

Ridiculous Voice Over Man takes us through what we can expect and it is long. This intro goes for more than three minutes, a lame attempt to prevent the massive hemorrhaging of viewers capable of spotting a turkey after the first five seconds. RVOM is quick to inform us of the “twist” in this show, the man every woman lusts after — that’s the Poo. Heh. — thinks this will be just a “typical dating show where the women will be as young as they are beautiful.” Wait, what? So if the women are “extremely beautiful” does that mean they will all be four and a half? Hey, maybe the Poo’s backhand will have a chance to get passed them in that case.

Anyway, on the “typical dating show thing”: Hoooboy is he wrong! The first group of prospective
famewhores paramours are all ….. IN THEIR 40s!!!1! OMG Yes, I Know. Inconceivable, right? ‘Cause he’s only 30!!! Sigh. RVOM is trying to make me feel more aghast at this than I really can feel. But then, just as the Poo might be getting used to this, the combobulation it is dissed by the introduction of another group. The age appropriate in-their-20s. It appears the two groups will compete against each other. RVOM: The claws will come out. Claws with bees, RVOM? Because that would be awesome. There follows a long sequence of “highlights” which I will tell you about when they actually happen not in this lame teaser but mostly consist of the young women snarkorising about the “crows feet and saggy boobs” of the elder others. What is that hammering and sawing I hear in the background? Could it be the Scaffold of Hubris being readied for the up-themselves jail bait contingent? Let’s find out together.

Oh, and the Poo visits Melbourne.

The show proper starts with a quote by William Hamilton (no word on which one): “An older woman with a younger man threatens all the right people.” I like it! BUT it signals this show is going to pretend to be a great social experiment in challenging norms when really its just an excuse to pit women against each other (claws!) and have as much nudity and dry humping as the FCC will let you get away with. I like my trash straight up, thanks very much.

4.15 in: our first “the clock is ticking!” lament. A posse of very attractive and smartly dressed “older women” make their way into ritzy penthouse suite in some random city (it’s LA, I discover later.) We get cutaway interview snippets with Jayanna (39: clock ticking), Jodie (46: still want kids), Jen (48: photo of skeevy looking son). Our host Mark Consuelos (no age given) , he shows them a video of Our Poo.

“He’s in the prime of an impressive career”, the video shamelessly lies, “but he is still waiting for a grand slam in love.” He’s still waiting for a grand slam of any kind, IIRC. Poo: “I’ve been a little naughty in the past.” Oh, do tell Poo! Poo says he was depressed on Valentine’s Day so he bought a dog. Some of the women start to cry.

Lynn (40) agrees Poo is “kinda dreamy” and likes his hair. Maria (42): I need children, like, NOW.

And here’s Poo himself. He’s looking forward to meeting these girls. He voice overs he wants “someone to blow him … away”, accompanied by this image:

Jesus. This show is all about a serious social experiment. Uh huh.

Some of the woman savvily observe Poo may not know they are older. Poo confirms he has always dated younger women and expects this lot to be in their 20s. We get a scratchy sound and that statement repeated, in close up. A social experiment and subtle editing, they’re our watchwords.

A Poo by a pond. Ready for the big meeting.

Lynn (40) is first, describing herself as “a perfect catch.” They shake hands. She says “I was born in 1967 and that makes me 40.” The editing makes it look like she just blurted that straight out. A drum bangs! Poo double takes. Poo voice overs he was sure the next one was going to be young.

Next. Kelli (40): I am not a number! But still, biological clock. Same as above. Anyhow it goes on like this for a while, with Poo being exceptionally polite when they tell him their ages (this was obviously requested by the producers, the age-stating not the being polite. I’m sure Poo doesn’t need coaching on that.) Jodie (46) says Poo was “sweetly stunned” by the age, which is true. He’s not being obnoxious. Aw, he is kinda dreamy!

Angela (40): Hi, Mark I have a really bad nose job.

Jen (48). Poo does a Scooby Doo double take at her age. RUH RO!

Next, on to a “party.” If by “party” you mean awkawrd semi-scripted platitudes while we all sit in a row.

Poo voice over: “this whole damn thing is out of my comfort zone. It’s like throwing some pirahnas in the deep end with me.”

Then there is an unexplained segue to Poo sitting at a table with an individual woman. They get to know each other. Poo is confused: “I don’t like talking about children on a first date.” — her real life child, not the imaginary little Poos they are all picking out names for already. I’m sure it won’t be long, though.

In this exchange he is sitting with Angela and Kelli.

Angela says she has been married … twice (drum bang! double take!) and has a 21 year old son. In an interview Kelli says she has the advantage because being married and having children “ages you. It does” and she has done neither. Cutting back to the convo we see Kelli pointedly say “Can you believe she has a 21 year old son. You look so amazing, darling, no one would ever believe it.” Hahahahahaaa! Beeyotch!! Ha! Angela gives her the evil eye. At least it matches her evil nose.

Jayanna is unhappy Angela and Kelli are monopolising Poo. She wants to a chance to be a petty cow too, dammit! Jayanna: All I have to say to these ladies is, game on [moles]. Watch out.”

Kelli is not happy with Jayanna taking Poo away “to the cabana.”

I think I love Kelli.

Mark voices overs he is starting to think about what it would be like to date an older woman, since all these ones are amazing and don’t look their age. Jen tells him her dream is to open “a wellness centre.” Poo pronounces this “incredible.” (He likes that word) He says being passionate about something is sexy to him.

Party over. The host breaks the devestating news some of the “girls” will not be going on a date with Poo before the first elimination.

Next morning. Poo invites Jayanna (“she’s got a great personality, and personality is a lot”) on a date, Maria and Lynn. They go abseiling. Whatever. Nowt happens.

Oh but wait. We are introduced to “the 20s.” They are flying around in a helicopter, giggling and generally being all pseudo-sassy and ready to take on those hags.

Tessa (23): “I’m young, I’m definately hot. Deal with it.” Oh baby, I am gonna have so much fun with you.

Amanda (25): “It’s pathetic to still be dating when you’re 40.” Yep, you too.

The 20s all mince off the chopper in the most ridiculous parody and all have ridiculous Zoolander pouts. Seriously. Hilarious. Surely Our Poo will see through this nonsense?????????

Back to abseiling. Whatevs. Maria: “Rapelling down a building!! Is this what happens when you date a 30 year old guy?” Not generally, in my experience but probably yes if you date a 30 year old guy ON A CHEESY NETWORK TELEVISION GIMMICK DATING SHOW.

Meanwhile, the 20s are being vapid somewhere or other. It must be …. deliberate. Surely.

That’s a hoola hoop, in case you can’t tell.

Breast shot. Breast shot and oh yeah …

Tess (23): “I believe that if I were an older woman dating a younger guy, my intentions would be just superficial.” I don’t know what that means but I’m sure its stupid.

The 20s have infantalizing schoolyard games to pass the time, the 40s have … nanna glasses and cross stitch.

The 40s fret in interviews about eliminations. I think … Angela.

Poo says to make this difficult decision he will call four women to the pool and ask them questions. Then “decide on first impressions.”

Poo calls the girls. And in a really sqeaky voice he names the four semi-condemned. Seriously, he sounds like an 13 year old talking to a girl at a blue light disco. Hee.

He chooses Angela (ha!), Jodie, Lynn and Jayanna. Interesting. I thought Jayanna was one of his faves. What could the Poo be thinking?

Poo addresses the four. He says he loved being with them all and made him forget about the age thing. He talks to Angela. He says she seemed shy, and describes himself as “a big goof.” He would like to see her “big personality” and wants her to stay. Bugger!! Next Lynn. Blah, nothing. He wants her to stay. Two left!! He calls Jodie. She is totally going home. Poo tells her is is more of a friend than someone he wants to bone sees anything further down the line with. Like, sex.

8.5 from the Belgian judge to Stockard Channing lookalike Angela, for faking giving a shit.

Jodie takes it on the chin.

Poo then speaks to Jayanna, telling her she blew him away. Host strolls in to reveal teh twist: the 20s. “the competition just got a lot ….. younger!” I hate the 20s, but the thing is, I think the show wants me to. Certainly the 40s have been portrayed much more sympathetically thus far.

I mean, seriously. LOOK AT THEM!

NEXT WEEK: Cat fights begin in earnest. Poo confesses to missing the older women and “the ultimate social experiment” (bleeegh!) continues …